2010-05-27 - 3:44 p.m.

Well, well, well. Where to start? Why am I even writing in here? Iīm not sure, maybe itīs because Iīve got this week off and thus have lots of time on my hands.
If that last sentence gives the impression of a working man, well, thatīs kinda intentional. My latest internship has resulted in a training contract for September and my continued working there for a minimal wage until then. Still, I donīt feel exactly happy. I mean, on one hand, itīs a relief, but the longer I work in that company, the less certain I am that I fit in. Then again, have I ever, with the two noteable exceptions of FOS and clinic, fit in? The first stonecutter I worked for as an intern was ideal, I felt at home there. The next one was acomplete disaster, the following one a little better, and now...meh. Itīs not bad as such, the boss is nowhere near as choleric as others Iīve witnessed. My co-workers, however, are the second to worst Iīve had. One of them, the other trainee, is disgustingly intent on crawling up the bossīs ass, he even imitates his way of speaking. To me, he complains about the other worker, a Russian, but of course, heīs all friendly and tries to joke around with him when heīs there. In one word:dishonest. The other one, the Russian, doesnīt talk too much, which is okay by me, but itīs kinda awkward from time to time since weīreon the same train. That, and heīs always the last to arrive and the first to leave despite being the best-paid. Last not least, the boss, while as I wrote, not cholerical, has a tendency to get all hectic, while I can only work in a calm manner. As Iīve recently heard from the Russian guy, he once even complained about me, but that seems to have happened some time ago. Maybe heīs realized that calm and slow are two different things. If not, difficulties will follow.
Sigh. Everyone seemed so happy to know that Iīd found a training place. Why canīt I be? Iīm off the drugs, which means I could fall back into depression. On some days Iīve even considered taking that stuff again. That, however, would make my struggle to overcome the symptoms of withdrawal quite laughable. Iīve started to meditate on the train in the morning and in the evening. The short-term results have been promising. Maybe this ancient technique can do the trick. Actually, itīs a mixture of meditation and prayer I practise, I use certain phrases to honor the Gods as mantras. All blessing comes from the Gods. Never forget.

shadows of the past - fearful looks into the future